So you had a fabulous maternity leave. You followed my advice and turned off your damn work email and created a maternity leave manifesto. You’re rocking this new-mom thing!

Well, sleep deprivation may just win the battle when you return to work. All those amazing naps you got (what naps, who am I kidding?) when little sweetness snoozed are about to end with the 9-5 work routine.

Here are my thoughts on how to circumvent the nightly chores, so you can go to bed early and make up for those lost day-naps. (Unless you have an office with a door. Or a cube with a fancy desk that you can cozy up under with a pillow. For a 10-minute power nap. Of course, there’s always your car…)

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1. Daycare is your friend

Seriously, so many things you can outsource to these fine folks, like training your kid to eat solids or how to poop.

Let daycare feed your kid

You won’t see the benefit of this for a while. Your kid needs milk (yours or someone else’s) for now. But solids will be here before you know it. Then the nightly or crack-of-dawn meal prep begins.

I know, I know, you only want the best, most organic and wholesome eats for your little. Believe me, you can find a daycare that serves amazing catered lunches. But really, after you fix a sunbutter sandwich or cook up veggie-infused quinoa or chop and steam apples for the gazillioneth time, you won’t care if daycare feeds your kid Cheetos (or hands out lollipops every time she tinkles in the potty). As long as you don’t have to worry about it.

Already picked out the daycare of your dreams? Only to discover you get to make lunches every. single. day? Don’t worry, you can always SWITCH daycares! And if not, well, ask hubby to make lunch before he goes to bed. I mean, you made a baby. He can totally make a lunch!!

Speaking of tinkling in the potty…

Let daycare potty train your kid

Again, not something you need to worry about quite yet, but the no-diaper days are coming.

I’m a fan of the 3-day potty boot camp, but if it wasn’t for daycare, I’m pretty sure my 3 1/2 year old would still be in diapers. Daycare has this “can’t move up to the preschool class until potty-trained” rule. Also: peer pressure.

Pumping at work doesn’t have to suck

If you’re a formula convert, you can skip these tips.

Stop washing your pump – MAYBE

When I went back to work with baby #1, I bought into all the hype. You must clean your pump after every session. In fact, you must buy Medela-approved, specially-formulated wipes to clean your pump with after every session. And by every session, we’re talking at least 2x a day.

Then one of those professional exclusive pumpers told me a secret: simply rinse all the parts in cold water after every session, and don’t bother cleaning with soap til the end of the week. What?! Eew! Um, hell to the yes!

Breast milk is magical. It clears up baby acne. It heals cracked nipples. It arms baby with super hero immunity. So if you rinse and go for a couple days, breast milk’s got your back.

On the other hand, new guidelines from the CDC say YOU SHOULD CLEAN AFTER EVERY USE. And I’m no pediatrician, so definitely do your research. Because better safe than sorry, sister!

Lose the little pumping bottles

You know all those fancy little bottles that Medela tells you to buy for pumping? Take it from another working mom. Bring large 8-ounce baby bottles and pump directly into them. Skip the cost – and washing angst – of all those little 5-ounce jobbies. And keep extra bottles – with lids – at work. You never know when you’ll have that amazing 15-ounce pumping session (you’ll be my hero.)

Get an extra pump

Beg/borrow/steal an extra pump to keep at work just in case. Obamacare means you get a new pump with each new baby. Trust me, take advantage of this. I can’t tell you how many times I had to truck on home because I forgot one of those eenie weenie, little valve things.

Don’t forget the ultra-sexy, hands-free pumping bra

You can cut holes in an old sports bra. But I was too lazy (and unathletic to own an actual sports bra), so I spent many a day wearing this Simple Wishes one. Ya’ll, it’s adjustable all over the place. In other words, it’ll accommodate BIG BOOBS when baby’s on a feeding binge and little boobs when baby’s starting to wean.

Drink lots of water and eat up

Drink all.day.long. Drink like your life depends on it. Because it does. Breastfeeding and pumping dehydrates momma, so you gotta fill her back up! Get one of those BPA-free, water bottles with a clip on it and just keep it attached to your pump bag, then you are always prepared.

The eating part is my favorite. You thought you were hungry when you were pregnant? Ha! Nursing mommas, well, watch out, we will eat you up. Keep a Costco-sized box of granola bars or chocolate lactation cookies in your desk. Because there’s nothing worse than a starving momma raiding the office frig. Because it’s disgusting, ladies – trust me.

Pack your shit before bed

This is kinda like what I said earlier if the daycare of your dreams doesn’t provide a catered meal for your kiddo. Get all your pumping stuff together before bed. So you can grab and go in the morning. Because who’s got time to do that when you’re running around like a mad woman trying to dash out the door in the morning? And if you forget something, well, that’s why: EXTRA PUMP!

Actually, this is another great job for baby daddy. Train him to gather pump parts and fill your water bottle and locate all your snacks. Maybe he’ll even surprise you with a little hand-written note. (A girl can dream anyway.)

3. Stop the cloth diaper madness

If you’re a disposable diaper guru, you can skip this one. Actually, you should keep reading, because this is funny.

For those of you like me, a lover of all things reusable (aka, a dumbass who likes torturing herself with more laundry), here’s my tip: wash on Wednesday – wait 2 days – wash on Saturday – wait 2 days – wash on Tuesday – wait 2 days…You get the picture.

When I was a cloth diaper novice with my first, I became mentally unstable. From washing diapers (so very, very gross) EVERY OTHER DAY. It was maddening. Because I did laundry every night: Monday – diapers, Tuesday – baby clothes, Wednesday – diapers, Thursday – adult clothes, Friday – diapers…

This continued with baby #2. Until he reached 12 months and we went to the beach. And then came home from the beach. During which car ride, I realized I had left a shit-ton of dirty diapers at the beach. These things aren’t cheap. I’m talking $20 a pop. So no way was I going to leave them there to languish. And no way was #RockStarDad going to turn the car around to go get them.

I did what we moms always do: I BRAINSTORMED HARD. And it hit me: our minister’s boys go to college at the beach. I actually paid $75 for them to retrieve my bag of so very, very gross cloth diapers and OVERNIGHT SHIP them to my house. People, did you read that right? I paid a couple college boys $75 to ship a bag of shitty diapers through the mail!!

When they arrived home four days later, well, let’s just say I used a lot of bleach. The interesting thing I discovered is that, really, they were just fine. Thus, if you want to, you can actually implement the following wash schedule: wash on Wednesday – wait 4 days – wash on Monday – wait 4 days – wash on Saturday…

Oh, and embrace your clothes drier. Screw the rule that you must pull each diaper out of the washer and lovingly hang it up to air dry. Just throw the whole lot into the drier on medium heat and be done with it.

4. Skip the daily bath

I’m talking about skipping little sweetness’s daily bath, not yours. But I guess that’s an option, too. That’s what strong perfume is for, right?

I say no bath for baby unless there’s sand involved. Even then, you can do a little shake and she will be good to go. Baths are splashy and time-consuming. Plus, letting your kid marinate overnight in daycare germs is really phenomenal – just think of the immunity she’s building up!

5. Skip the pajamas

For bed, simply dress little miss in her school clothes for the next day. Bonus: you’ll save lots of mullah because you don’t have to buy extraneous pj’s. And as soon as morning comes, voila! Sweetness is ready to go! This is totally easy for baby babies – pj’s are basically day-wear anyway.

And you can always skip your own pajamas. Because: LESS LAUNDRY. Just remember, the goal here is to go to bed early. Because: MORE SLEEP. And if baby daddy is around, “nekkid momma” probably doesn’t translate to “this woman wants you to leave her alone so she can sleep.”

Here’s a list of more working mom hacks: 20 reasons why you might be a perfectly imperfect mom.

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Photo credit: Tim Gouw from Unsplash.com